Finding Peace In The Midst of Heartache

Last year at this time, I ended a relationship that I had no business being in. I tried so badly to make everything work, but it was finally time to let go. When you invest so much time and energy into someone/something, it’s difficult to walk away. But that’s when you have to remember, if the time and energy is not being reciprocated it’s not worth it. This time was not easy for me, it was very unpeaceful, and I felt all kinds of emotions.  I want to share with you how I began writing a new beautiful chapter. By no means was this instant reaction, it took a lot to get there. There is so much I could write about, but I am going to keep it simple and tell you a few things I did that helped me.

Feel Your Emotions: I think this was the total game changer for me. There are so many times I have tried not to feel a certain way because I want to be viewed as tough, strong, independent, etc.. but you know what I AM NOT ALWAYS. So I pushed my ego aside and truly let myself feel these uncomfortable emotions. When I felt the need to cry- I cried. When I felt angry and just mad at the whole world (slightly dramatic) but I would let myself have that pity party and be upset. Another thing was people said to me (in good intentions) you shouldn’t be upset he didn’t deserve you anyway. If I put my counselor hat on, that’s the worst thing to do. You are feeling a certain emotion so let’s get to the bottom of it! Overall, instead of sliding these emotions under the rug, I accepted them and worked through them.

Write Things Down: During this time, I was overwhelmed with a ton of emotions and thoughts. Sometimes to process the situation you have to write things down. I am a very visual person, so it helped me to make sense of the situation by writing down the cluster of thoughts going on in my head. This provided me with so much clarity and helped no longer be overwhelmed by what was going on. 

Don’t sit with your thoughts too long: I was sooooo bad at this. My schedule is opposite than everyone else’s. My days didn’t start till 1 pm. As much as I love my alone time in the morning, this was trouble because I would catch myself laying in bed, overthinking for a good hour or two, then all of a sudden I would look at the time and be like what the heck am I doing?? Nothing good comes out of you sitting there thinking about what all you could have done. So you must keep your mind busy- listen to podcast, music, (audio)books or even binge on some Netflix. I often listened to a podcast and cleaned the heck out of my apartment, or I would go for a walk to a coffee shop down the street while listening to a podcast! Another favorite was watching Sex in the City and vicariously live my life through Charlotte.

Accept “What Is..”: So it’s kind of funny how God plans things out so perfectly. As you all know I am in grad school for counseling and one of the requirements last year was to see a counselor for a few sessions. So during the closing of this chapter, it so happened I was seeing a counselor. Wow, yup, God planned that one good. It was nice just to be able to go to a safe place and say whatever the heck I wanted and knew I wouldn’t be judged. But the most important thing I learned was to accept what is… I can’t change anyone as much as I tried, I couldn’t change the situation as much as I wished to but simply sitting in the situation of “what is” was very powerful.  

21 Days:  I once read that it takes 21 days to break a habit. Not saying that a person is a bad habit but you know what I mean.. The routine of seeing each other, the phone calls, the messages, etc. You are finding your new normal, so take that time you used to spend making someone else happy and create the life you want to live- spoil yourself and choose YOU! I started doing a lot more of the things I liked to do, like yoga, volunteering, playing tennis again, plugging into my church, and lots of shopping trips! The time commitments and excitement of starting these things helped transition into a new routine. 

Take Advil: I am joking, but not really. Did you know that women hold all their stress and emotions in their body? When you are heartbroken, stressed out you feel it in your body. So taking Advil relieves the pain you are receiving from those intense emotions. So for the first few weeks, I was taking Advil almost every day, not really sure if that was healthy, but I am convinced it helped alleviate some of the pain!

Pray: Above all, it is important to realign your relationship with God. In all honesty, I never received the closure I truly wanted. Even if I tried, it was helpless, and this was so unsettling to me. I had a good friend tell me “you are not going to get the answers you want.” At first, I  was a little puzzled by what she said, but she was right, I had to surrender the situation to God. So instead of seeking for peace, I prayed for peace- the peace that I would only find in God alone!! Lastly, I wrote down a list of all the qualities I am seeking in someone, and I have prayed over it every day since. When you align your heart to God, you will begin to see more His love and compassion in all that you do & it brightens your day!!

I realize that these things are different in contrary to what you usually hear- go out, find a rebound, time will heal all wounds. But none of the answers were good enough for me. I knew I needed to take control and find healing within myself rather than seek anything or anyone else. It’s not easy, and sometimes you don’t feel very strong, but that’s okay. Just know if you are closing a chapter, you have the power to begin writing your new one.

Never forget, “you are stronger than you think you are.”

XO,

Nicki

 



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